Sunday, March 27, 2011
A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step...
I did it! I woke up this morning, a little later than I had wanted to, but o well. I got myself around and went for my first walk/run. Day one of my 3 weeks to 30 minute running program. It was cold, I was tired, I had every reason not to go but I went. It was fantastic! I'm not going to lie - my lungs burned, my nose was running, and my hips hurt but I felt so liberated. The sun was shining and the sky was blue and I was out there running. I ran/walked 2.6 miles in a little over 35 minutes. I wasn't running for speed, needless to say. I was also very conscious of everything I ate today. I want to change. I want to be the me I feel like, rather than the me I look like. Now, the real challenge is doing it all again tomorrow...
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Standing at the starting line and ready for the gun...
So this is my first time ever blogging. I read that it was a great way to stay motivated while running and seeing as I'm making all sorts of new strides (pun totally intended) I figured, why not. So here I am, the night before my first run. Thats right, my first run since, well, I'm not sure. I don't think I've ever just run for fun. I decided to do this because I need a change in my life. I'm not having any sort of mid-life crisis or anything, seeing as I'm only 28, but I feel the need to take control and show myself that I can dedicate myself to something, set a goal, follow through, and accomplish that goal.
Throughout my life, certain things came easy to me; school, friends, sports. However, when things got tough - when I had to really work for something, I just gave up. I think its partly because I don't like to do things I'm not good at, but mostly I'm just lazy. No one has ever made me stick to anything whether it was the violin, dance lessons, gymnastics or my pre-law major. Now I'm 28 and full of regrets. I could have been a bad-ass, violin playing, flexible dancer with a high-paying job as a corporate lawyer. Oh, and I would probably be skinny too. Needless to say, I'm basically not that at all. They say that recognizing you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Now I'm ready to take the next step and try to do something about it. I chose running because I hated it basically and I'm definitely not good at it.
I used to scoff at the crazies running out in the cold as I passed them on my way to work. I mean honestly, who runs for fun?? I would joke that the only time I would run is if someone was chasing me and I probably wouldn't even bother because I'm so slow, may as well just let them catch me and get it over with. I want to prove to myself that I can do something that I am not good at. That I can stick with it. I've been talking about this for almost a year now. I've been telling everyone that I'm going to start running. I know I probably shouldn't but I feel like if I talk about it enough I'll have to do it. Maybe I'm just trying to talk myself into it.
So here I am, the night before my big first step. I studied how to stretch, planned my first run, even dowloaded some new apps to help me along the way. But I'm completely scared to death. Scared? Of Running?? you may ask, but I really am. I'm scared that I won't make myself get up tomorrow morning. That, like other things, I'll make excuses as to why I don't want or need to do it. "Oh, I'll just start Monday, its too cold" or "My feet really hurt, I probably shouldn't start today, it'll just make them worse". Pathetic, I know, but I've done it before. My head is swimming with doubts. What if I can't even run for a minute straight? What if my feet really do hurt badly? What if someone I know sees my fat ass running??? So many reasons I can think of not to do it. But there's way more that I can think of for getting out of bed and running down the bike path tomorrow. Here they are:
1. My health. I'm severely overweight. I was an athlete all throughout school and after high school, around my junior year of college, I just gave up on myself with no structured activities, I wasn't active and the weight just piled on. 2 pregnancies and 5 years of marriage later and I am not pleased with myself at all.
2.My self. I want to do this for myself. I want to prove to myself that I really can do anything I set my mind to. It is March 26th and my first goal is to run a 5K by September or October. I grew up never feeling good about myself. Yeah, so I got a good grade on my test, but I didn't get invited to the sleep over. Yeah, I had lots of friends, but was never asked to a dance. I never thought I was good enough. I always thought that I was fat or ordinary. I look back at pictures of myself from high school and God, what I wouldn't give to look like that again. Funny how I thought I was fat back then...I guess I was just hangning out with some really skinny people.
3. My daughter. I want my daughter to grow up knowing the person that I really am. I don't want her to just think of me as "my embarrassing, big fat mom". I want my daughter to be proud of me. I want her to believe that she can do anything she puts her mind to. I want to be running next to her someday.
4. The dream. For the last couple of years, I have a recurring dream. In my dream I'm running. I'm not running from anything, its not a scary dream. I'm just running. I've never been a runner and I'm very self-aware in my dream. I realize that I'm running and not in pain or out of breath. I'm actually enjoying the run. After realizing that I can run with such ease and enjoyment, I just keep running further. I never stop - I just wake up. Whenever I have this dream I wake up with a sense of longing. I want to feel that way for real. I want to feel the wind and sun on my face, the pavement beneath my feet. I just feel that free for real.
Okay, I think I've blabbed on enough. I'm guessing noone is even going to read this (I hope so anyway) but it definitely makes me feel a little better about my run tomorrow. Its for real. Wish me luck.
Throughout my life, certain things came easy to me; school, friends, sports. However, when things got tough - when I had to really work for something, I just gave up. I think its partly because I don't like to do things I'm not good at, but mostly I'm just lazy. No one has ever made me stick to anything whether it was the violin, dance lessons, gymnastics or my pre-law major. Now I'm 28 and full of regrets. I could have been a bad-ass, violin playing, flexible dancer with a high-paying job as a corporate lawyer. Oh, and I would probably be skinny too. Needless to say, I'm basically not that at all. They say that recognizing you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Now I'm ready to take the next step and try to do something about it. I chose running because I hated it basically and I'm definitely not good at it.
I used to scoff at the crazies running out in the cold as I passed them on my way to work. I mean honestly, who runs for fun?? I would joke that the only time I would run is if someone was chasing me and I probably wouldn't even bother because I'm so slow, may as well just let them catch me and get it over with. I want to prove to myself that I can do something that I am not good at. That I can stick with it. I've been talking about this for almost a year now. I've been telling everyone that I'm going to start running. I know I probably shouldn't but I feel like if I talk about it enough I'll have to do it. Maybe I'm just trying to talk myself into it.
So here I am, the night before my big first step. I studied how to stretch, planned my first run, even dowloaded some new apps to help me along the way. But I'm completely scared to death. Scared? Of Running?? you may ask, but I really am. I'm scared that I won't make myself get up tomorrow morning. That, like other things, I'll make excuses as to why I don't want or need to do it. "Oh, I'll just start Monday, its too cold" or "My feet really hurt, I probably shouldn't start today, it'll just make them worse". Pathetic, I know, but I've done it before. My head is swimming with doubts. What if I can't even run for a minute straight? What if my feet really do hurt badly? What if someone I know sees my fat ass running??? So many reasons I can think of not to do it. But there's way more that I can think of for getting out of bed and running down the bike path tomorrow. Here they are:
1. My health. I'm severely overweight. I was an athlete all throughout school and after high school, around my junior year of college, I just gave up on myself with no structured activities, I wasn't active and the weight just piled on. 2 pregnancies and 5 years of marriage later and I am not pleased with myself at all.
2.My self. I want to do this for myself. I want to prove to myself that I really can do anything I set my mind to. It is March 26th and my first goal is to run a 5K by September or October. I grew up never feeling good about myself. Yeah, so I got a good grade on my test, but I didn't get invited to the sleep over. Yeah, I had lots of friends, but was never asked to a dance. I never thought I was good enough. I always thought that I was fat or ordinary. I look back at pictures of myself from high school and God, what I wouldn't give to look like that again. Funny how I thought I was fat back then...I guess I was just hangning out with some really skinny people.
3. My daughter. I want my daughter to grow up knowing the person that I really am. I don't want her to just think of me as "my embarrassing, big fat mom". I want my daughter to be proud of me. I want her to believe that she can do anything she puts her mind to. I want to be running next to her someday.
4. The dream. For the last couple of years, I have a recurring dream. In my dream I'm running. I'm not running from anything, its not a scary dream. I'm just running. I've never been a runner and I'm very self-aware in my dream. I realize that I'm running and not in pain or out of breath. I'm actually enjoying the run. After realizing that I can run with such ease and enjoyment, I just keep running further. I never stop - I just wake up. Whenever I have this dream I wake up with a sense of longing. I want to feel that way for real. I want to feel the wind and sun on my face, the pavement beneath my feet. I just feel that free for real.
Okay, I think I've blabbed on enough. I'm guessing noone is even going to read this (I hope so anyway) but it definitely makes me feel a little better about my run tomorrow. Its for real. Wish me luck.
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